Tick...tick...tick...I watch the numbers on the clock change in the darkness of my room. I am acutely aware of every sound, my husband breathing, the cat purring, the fan of the air conditioner cycling on and off, my eyes are heavy but sleep won't come. A felling of overwhelmning fear and anxiety invades my body and I feel like a small child waiting for the monster to come out from under my bed. My heart races, I can hear it thumping in my head and my insides seem to tremble like jello. I pray, "God, please give me peace. Take these fears from me so that I may rest." Tick...tick...tick...
That was my night. Such a contrast from the day I had had. My day started with an amazing Sunday worship. His story...my story...two men walking along a road on a journey from Jerusalem to a village called Emmaus, discussing how disillusioned they were with the events that had happened the previous three days. Jesus, whom they had come to believe was the Messiah, the one sent to redeem Israel, had been handed over to be beaten and crucified. Suddenly, their hope for a Savior, dashed as Jesus died and was placed in a tomb. And though the tomb was found empty on the third day and an angel of the Lord had said that Jesus was alive, these men still did not understand. As they recounted these events, Jesus himself joined them in there journey, yet they did not recognize Him.
My story...I sat and wept as I listened to this story, feeling fully convicted by the Holy Spirit. How many times in just this past week have I doubted? How many times had I failed to recognize Jesus walking right beside me? Times when I have lost hope, have become fearful, have seen the things that I have "pinned" my hope on begin to unravel right before my eyes, were the times I should have been pinning my hope on Jesus instead of doubting His presence. Okay, the Holy Spirit convicted me with that sermon, so I would have expected that to be enough, but He wasn't finished yet.
I encountered a stranger a few hours later and our general conversation, suddenly turned to this person telling me how they sometimes doubt that Jesus is real. Really???? God why would you send this person to me? A perfect stranger, to ask me about the very thing that I have been struggling with. I opened my mouth and the words, His words, poured forth. I heard the words, I felt the words, but I honestly had no control over the words. This stranger, looked at me with tears in his eyes as the Holy Spirit flowed through me to offer him encouragement, practical Biblical advice and assurance that he was not alone. After a hug from one struggling believer to another we returned to our tables at the class we were attending. Still reeling from what I had just experienced, the pastor began to speak on the next topic for discussion. Was the Holy Spirit finished? Nope! As the pastor began to speak, the very words that I had just spoken to this stranger were reiterated by the pastor. It took remarkable self-restraint to keep from turning around and looking at the stranger I had just spoken to. But the reality of it all is that the Holy Spirit wasn't just trying to get the attention of this stranger, the Holy Spirit was trying to get my attention and He was using every means possible.
Now, after being filled by the Holy Spirit, I find myself, even as I type this, in a tug of war. A war for my spirit, for my soul, between Satan and the Spirit of God. Satan is relentless and cunning. He wants to win and will stop at nothing to accomplish his dastardly deeds. Like a thief in the night, dressed in black, he creeps into my soul preying on my insecurities and fears and exploiting my weaknesses. He works the hardest when he fears the Holy Spirit is regaining ground he once inhabited. Doubt and fear...those were my weaknesses that the Holy Spirit extinquished in me yesterday, but as night fell and I awaited sleep, Satan slithered in and sparked that fire again. This time pouring gasoline on that spark. The fear and anxiety I felt last night was like nothing I have experienced. The intensity was so great that I felt myself plunging in an uncontrollable free fall from the high of the Holy Spirit to the depths of despair of Satan. My heart pounded out of control and at times I feared it would explode. My insides convulsed in fear and I felt like I was suffocating. I could almost smell the stench of the evil one. I've heard stories from people who have had very real encounters with Satan, but this was the first time and I pray the last time I have felt his evil presence.
I prayed and prayed for God to give me peace but the tug of war continued until the wee hours of this morning. Rentlentless, I tell you, Satan is relentless! Awake this morning before my alarm went off I grabbed the one source of wisdom, the Bible. First I searched for scripture regarding fear:
Proverbs 3:25, 26 Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.
Romans 8:15 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, "Abba, Father."
Psalm 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
Then I searched overcoming Satan:
James 4:7-8 Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.
Ephesians 6:10,11 ...be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
Finally, I searched for scripture for rescue. Scripture to give me the words to cry out to God when I feel I am being swallowed up and bound by Satan.
Psalm 69:14-18 Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those (Satan) who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, O Lord, out of the goodness of Your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly for I am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; redeem me because of my foes.
I wish I could end this story by telling you that my heart is light and my nerves are calm but I'd be lying. I still feel the tug of war raging within, but I continue the prayer of Psalm 69 and I am trusting the Lord to rescue me. I may be in the fiery furnace but I know that God is refining me. One thing I am sure of my God is stronger than Satan or any of his minions and He and He alone is my source of peace.
John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let yours hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
Be on guard, my friends, and take refuge in Christ Jesus.
Until next time,
God Bless,
Cat
No comments:
Post a Comment