"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse..." These are the very familiar first words of Twas the Night Before Christmas; a poem that is read in the homes of many this time of year. I can almost envision all the little children in their pajamas, holding their favorite stuffed animal, and sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace. In a wing backed chair, their grandfather sits regally and clears his throat as he begins reading to the wide-eyed children. The rest of the family listens intently, sipping egg nog and remembering back to when they were kids. Beautiful Christmas memories.
I too have many wonderful Christmas memories from my childhood; my first kitchen set, three separate pieces made of aluminum not hard plastic; my "Chatty Cathy" doll, go figure; my first ten speed bike, a boy one because "Santa" didn't realize there was a difference and the excitement of checking to see if Santa ate the cookies I left and reading a note from him. Now that I've dated myself, I will tell you that after all these years, I can still hear my Mother singing Christmas Carole's in the kitchen as she cooked Christmas dinner and my Father played with my sister and I on the living room floor. In my head it is almost like I'm there.
Today, my Christmas memories include my grandchildren and the traditions we have started with them. But underneath the memories of smiling children, mounds of torn wrapping paper and cut out cookies, there lies a sadness that I have experienced for the past 16 years. In December, 1996, as we prepared for the Christmas season, buying gifts, planning our annual Christmas party, and decorating our home, my Mother became very ill. Six months earlier she had been told that her breast cancer had returned and this time it was in her bones. The first few weeks, were a series of roller coaster rides; one day she was good and the next, she was flat on her back for days on end. On December 18th, we took her to the doctors to be given the worst possible news, the cancer was now in her liver and her organs were shutting down. She now had to be hospitalized.
As we waited for her admission, her spirits were high, doing everything she could to soothe my broken heart and assuring me that she was not done fighting. We got her settled and we joked and laughed; she complained her room was too hot and she was determined to be at our family Christmas party just three days later. We kissed goodbye saying I love yous and went home to spend a sleepless night. The next day was like the slow creep up the first hill of a roller coaster. Mommy, was in and out of consciousness; her skin was dandelion yellow and hot to the touch. Her stomach was swollen giving the appearance of pregnancy and I knew by looking at her, it wasn't good. As we sat by her beside, the slow creep up the track seemed to be getting faster and faster. When visiting hours ended, I kissed her cheek and rubbed the short hair on her head. "I love you," I whispered in her ear and turned to leave. The night nurse assured me she would call if anything changed and we left for home and another sleepless night.
I called the hospital as soon as I got up and was told that my Mom had had a wonderful night. She had been up several times, talking and joking with the nurses and was sleeping comfortably at that moment. I hated it, but I had to go into work for a few hours that morning so, I left after my husband reassured me that he would call if anything changed. At 1:00, the descent down that sky high roller coaster slope, began. The call said, "Get to the hospital right away, it's not good." As I raced down the highway to the hospital, everything around me seemed to move in slow motion. I prayed over and over again, asking God to get there in time. I sprinted through hallways and pushed past people until I was met by her nurse at the door to her room. As I entered the room it appeared everyone had arrived before me; aunts, uncles, cousins, my sister and my husband. I rushed to her bedside and sat down on the edge of the bed. The movement didn't stir her; she lay motionless, oxygen mask on her face and machines beeping behind her bed.
I sat with my sister on the bed and we talked to her, telling her all the things we wanted her to hear, not sure she could. I thanked her for teaching me to be a mother, for loving me when I was unlovable, for helping me raise my children and for showing me what unconditional love was all about. I praised her for her courage and for the valiant way she fought this disease. I told her how very much I loved her...then on this very day 16 years ago, I gave my Mommy permission to die.
I know this all sounds very sad and depressing but some very remarkable things came out of letting her go. To that point in my life, I believed in God and I hoped there was a heaven, but at the moment of letting her go I was assured of it. As quickly as the words "It's okay to stop fighting. We will be okay." left my mouth, she opened her eyes and smiled and an amazing sense of peace washed over her. I knew at that moment she was looking in the face of Jesus and was being welcomed into heaven by my Dad and so many others we had lost. Of course there were tears from everyone in the room, but just as quickly it turned to laughter and joy as we remembered the amazing woman she was and how she would get to experience the live Nativity.
After burying my Mother just two days before Christmas, the Christmas of 1996 was hard but I had children and my Mom would have really been mad if we hadn't made it happy for them. So I swallowed my tears and painted on a smile and did just that. The Christmas' since have become easier, though I will always miss her, but the Christmas' since will never be the same, but not because she is missing.
One final request my Mom made in the days before she died was that my husband and I find a church to go to. So in the two years after her death we searched for a church for our family to attend. We tried several churches of various faiths, but we didn't feel we were "good enough" for any of them. Christmas 1998, brought us to Mountain Christian Church and we've been there every since. My Mom's final request brought us to a family that has embraced us and carried us through the rough times in our lives. We have found a peace that can only be found in Jesus Christ and we are better people for it.
Now, instead of missing my Mommy with sadness on Christmas, I miss her with joy. I thank her for her final request that brought my husband and myself to Salvation through Christ. I thank her for her final request that led me to a place that taught me that being a Christian doesn't mean perfection, it just means forgiven. I thank her for her final request that makes me want to be a better person, mother, wife, sister, and friend. I thank her for her final request that makes me look at the Nativity in a way a never did before.
At this time of year when so many are grieving the loss of loved ones, I say, I get it. But equally I say, don't let their death and ultimately their life, be marked by sadness. Find the one thing that gave you the most joy from that person and hold tight to it. Learn from it and grow from it. The best memorial you can give a loved is joy in your life and the joy you bring to others. Shed some tears if you must, but only for a little while and then remember to smile.
Christmas morning when it is still quiet, I will sit and think of my Mommy and my Daddy and my tears will flow, but then I will smile as I think that on that day, just as the wise men visited the stable in Bethlehem, my parents will be visiting the manager of the King in person. Their voices raised in glorious song to the Christ Child and my heart will burst with joy as I know I will be there with them one day. I pray that you find that joy too!
I pray that you have a joyous Christmas and a Blessed New Year!
Until next time, I thanking Willa Mae Barlow, my Mom for her final request!
God Bless,
Cat
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
A Time for Change
I had all intentions of writing a jingle bells, Santa Claus is coming, deck the halls, Merry Christmas kind of blog before Christmas arrived, but circumstances have me being led by the Spirit to write about something else. For some, it sound repetitive of some of the other blogs I've written, but obviously, I need to say it again. Firstly, I have to clarify something. I registered to write this blog as a "Religious" blog; offering inspiration and hoping to encourage someone. After some of my postings I have received some negative comments that suggest this kind of writing does not belong on the Patch or anywhere else. While I appreciate everyone who reads my blog, I will tell you now that I am a Christian and my writings will reflect that; I hope you will continue to read but if you don't want to hear about God or the positive ways we can selflessly serve others, then I respectfully ask that you skip over my blog. I hope you will continue to read, because you never know when I might say something you like! For everyone else who follows me, keep on reading.
As, I am sure most of the rest of the world is, I am heartbroken over the tragic shooting in Connecticut today. The lives of innocent children and adults taken for no reason is completely unexplainable. I tried to make sense of it and I even questioned God as to why this had to happen, but I was at a loss. Listening to the children who were interviewed about what they witnessed, reminded me of a conversation my husband and I had with our two grandchildren just Wednesday evening. My granddaughter, who is 9 years old, told us she has been scared. "Of what?" we asked and she preceded to tell us that kids at school had been talking about the end of the world coming on December 21st. We explained to her that the only one who truly knows when the world will end is God and at that point our grandson who is 6, chimed in. "And Jesus is always with us so you don't have to be scared, and God is Jesus' son." A little mixed up but his point was right on.
I didn't think about that exchange again until today and my heart broke even more. What kind of world are we living in, when the youngest of children have to be afraid of life. Think about it; these children who were witnesses to the savage rampage that occurred at their school today will never go to school again without some kind of fear of that happening again. Most likely any child that hears this news will also be afraid. Gone are the days when the biggest fear of going to school was not being ready to take a test or not being asked to be on the team; now children will be suspicious of everyone and will jump at every noise. Parents will question the security of their child's school and for those who were personally involved, they will struggle with the very idea of letting them out of their sight.
Evil events such as today's, will forever change the way children and adults view the world; at least for a little while. As with any tragic event, 9/11, Columbine, Virginia Tech, and the Oregon mall shooting for example, the collective country and its leaders, boldly proclaim that we PRAY for all those involved and for our country. Prayer vigils are held around the country and families will hold on to and love each other a little stronger, for a little while. Then as quickly as horror struck our lives, we will go back to the way things were. Of course, we never totally forget such events, but inevitably we revert back to the old way of life. Instead of praying for our country and its leaders, we go back to bashing the leadership and their decisions; instead of hugging our children tightly, we become short with them when we are rushed; instead of praying for God's intervention in society, we just accept that evil exists.
We are given an opportunity to turn every tragedy into a victory. We can take moments like these to explain to our children that unfortunately bad things happen to good people but that God is supreme and if we center him in our lives he is our protector both here on earth and in heaven. Perhaps we can use moments like these to remind us of our responsibility to raise our children to respect life; teaching them that no life, no matter how small, is insignificant. Moments like these can be used to remind us to treat each other with love and respect, regardless of race or class, age or gender and we can fight to bring God back to a society that has turned to self-reliance and feel good tactics, turning its back on morality, self-control and self-respect.
I know many of you are probably thinking that I am living in this snow globe wonderland but I am a realist. I know that change doesn't happen over night. Our society didn't warp from the "Leave it to Beaver" days to "CSI" overnight. It has been years of moral erosion, selfishness, and quite frankly a lack of empathy for our neighbors. No doubt, a change for the better is going to take years, but it must start sometime and that time might as well be now; each person, myself included, doing self reflection of how we live our lives, how we treat others, raise our children and yes, where we put our faith.
I am speaking from experience. I haven't always been a follower of Christ. I was a believer, but in anger chose to turn my back on God and live life the way I wanted. I began drinking alcohol and using drugs at age 14. I had no moral compass at all; if it made me happy, I did it. I went about my life, trampling on anyone who got in my way and not caring who got hurt in the process. I had no time for other people, unless it was for my benefit. I was hateful towards the very people who loved me the most and I thought my life was great. I couldn't have been so wrong. No the change in me didn't come overnight. It took many years and the love of my family, despite myself, but when I finally realized that life my way wasn't working, I sought the One who wrote the instruction manual for life. The more I let God into my life and the more I trusted His Word, the better I became as a person and the more I started to care about others. I'm not perfect by any means but I'm a whole lot better than I was. My happiness is no longer the most important thing to me, yet focusing on the happiness of others has made me happier than I ever was. God did that for me and He can do that for you or anyone else who asks Him.
With Christmas just a little over a week away, we will celebrate the birth of the Savior. Jesus was born with one purpose, to die to save us from the destruction of sin. His life on this earth was not spent hanging out with the Godly, but dining and talking with the worst of the worst, loving them and making them want to change for the better, one person at a time. Luke 19:10 says, "For the Son of Man came to seek and save the lost." If you haven't made the choice to let God direct your life, give yourself the best Christmas present ever and give God a try. It will change the way you live, the way you raise your children, the way you treat others, and you might just find your life happier than its ever been. Change happens one person at a time and now is that time.
As we weep for those lost today and for other senseless losses, I know the Savior weeps with us as He waits patiently for us to cry out to Him to save this rotting world. I will be praying without ceasing that one day this world will be peaceful and that all will come to know Him. I will be praying for the families who have been visited by evil such as this that they will come to know the peace of God. And I will be praying that the change that can only comes from personally knowing the Savior will take effect in all who are missing it.
I wish you all a very Blessed Christmas Season! Remember to hug your children a little tighter and a little longer; tell your family you love them; don't let the sun set on your anger; extend your hand to a neighbor and pray, not just for a little while, but always.
Until next time,
God Bless,
Cat
As, I am sure most of the rest of the world is, I am heartbroken over the tragic shooting in Connecticut today. The lives of innocent children and adults taken for no reason is completely unexplainable. I tried to make sense of it and I even questioned God as to why this had to happen, but I was at a loss. Listening to the children who were interviewed about what they witnessed, reminded me of a conversation my husband and I had with our two grandchildren just Wednesday evening. My granddaughter, who is 9 years old, told us she has been scared. "Of what?" we asked and she preceded to tell us that kids at school had been talking about the end of the world coming on December 21st. We explained to her that the only one who truly knows when the world will end is God and at that point our grandson who is 6, chimed in. "And Jesus is always with us so you don't have to be scared, and God is Jesus' son." A little mixed up but his point was right on.
I didn't think about that exchange again until today and my heart broke even more. What kind of world are we living in, when the youngest of children have to be afraid of life. Think about it; these children who were witnesses to the savage rampage that occurred at their school today will never go to school again without some kind of fear of that happening again. Most likely any child that hears this news will also be afraid. Gone are the days when the biggest fear of going to school was not being ready to take a test or not being asked to be on the team; now children will be suspicious of everyone and will jump at every noise. Parents will question the security of their child's school and for those who were personally involved, they will struggle with the very idea of letting them out of their sight.
Evil events such as today's, will forever change the way children and adults view the world; at least for a little while. As with any tragic event, 9/11, Columbine, Virginia Tech, and the Oregon mall shooting for example, the collective country and its leaders, boldly proclaim that we PRAY for all those involved and for our country. Prayer vigils are held around the country and families will hold on to and love each other a little stronger, for a little while. Then as quickly as horror struck our lives, we will go back to the way things were. Of course, we never totally forget such events, but inevitably we revert back to the old way of life. Instead of praying for our country and its leaders, we go back to bashing the leadership and their decisions; instead of hugging our children tightly, we become short with them when we are rushed; instead of praying for God's intervention in society, we just accept that evil exists.
We are given an opportunity to turn every tragedy into a victory. We can take moments like these to explain to our children that unfortunately bad things happen to good people but that God is supreme and if we center him in our lives he is our protector both here on earth and in heaven. Perhaps we can use moments like these to remind us of our responsibility to raise our children to respect life; teaching them that no life, no matter how small, is insignificant. Moments like these can be used to remind us to treat each other with love and respect, regardless of race or class, age or gender and we can fight to bring God back to a society that has turned to self-reliance and feel good tactics, turning its back on morality, self-control and self-respect.
I know many of you are probably thinking that I am living in this snow globe wonderland but I am a realist. I know that change doesn't happen over night. Our society didn't warp from the "Leave it to Beaver" days to "CSI" overnight. It has been years of moral erosion, selfishness, and quite frankly a lack of empathy for our neighbors. No doubt, a change for the better is going to take years, but it must start sometime and that time might as well be now; each person, myself included, doing self reflection of how we live our lives, how we treat others, raise our children and yes, where we put our faith.
I am speaking from experience. I haven't always been a follower of Christ. I was a believer, but in anger chose to turn my back on God and live life the way I wanted. I began drinking alcohol and using drugs at age 14. I had no moral compass at all; if it made me happy, I did it. I went about my life, trampling on anyone who got in my way and not caring who got hurt in the process. I had no time for other people, unless it was for my benefit. I was hateful towards the very people who loved me the most and I thought my life was great. I couldn't have been so wrong. No the change in me didn't come overnight. It took many years and the love of my family, despite myself, but when I finally realized that life my way wasn't working, I sought the One who wrote the instruction manual for life. The more I let God into my life and the more I trusted His Word, the better I became as a person and the more I started to care about others. I'm not perfect by any means but I'm a whole lot better than I was. My happiness is no longer the most important thing to me, yet focusing on the happiness of others has made me happier than I ever was. God did that for me and He can do that for you or anyone else who asks Him.
With Christmas just a little over a week away, we will celebrate the birth of the Savior. Jesus was born with one purpose, to die to save us from the destruction of sin. His life on this earth was not spent hanging out with the Godly, but dining and talking with the worst of the worst, loving them and making them want to change for the better, one person at a time. Luke 19:10 says, "For the Son of Man came to seek and save the lost." If you haven't made the choice to let God direct your life, give yourself the best Christmas present ever and give God a try. It will change the way you live, the way you raise your children, the way you treat others, and you might just find your life happier than its ever been. Change happens one person at a time and now is that time.
As we weep for those lost today and for other senseless losses, I know the Savior weeps with us as He waits patiently for us to cry out to Him to save this rotting world. I will be praying without ceasing that one day this world will be peaceful and that all will come to know Him. I will be praying for the families who have been visited by evil such as this that they will come to know the peace of God. And I will be praying that the change that can only comes from personally knowing the Savior will take effect in all who are missing it.
I wish you all a very Blessed Christmas Season! Remember to hug your children a little tighter and a little longer; tell your family you love them; don't let the sun set on your anger; extend your hand to a neighbor and pray, not just for a little while, but always.
Until next time,
God Bless,
Cat
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