Hello friends! It sure has been a while since I have written! It has not been for lack of trying, but as those who follow me know, I don't write with out the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Believe me when I tell you, there have been many times I have sat down and wanted to write about something but the words just wouldn't flow. I am certain this was an exercise by the Spirit that James talks about in Chapter 3 about taming the tongue. I also believe that I was so embroiled in the turmoil of my life, that if the Spirit was trying to speak to me, I wasn't listening. But, I am back and I am listening! So here goes...
The past 6 months have brought about many changes in my life. Many of which, I was not ready to accept. Change for me is hard! I don't like it and I will certainly fight it. Satan, knows this about me and he uses it to break me down and tear me apart and that is just what I allowed to happen. Instead of arming myself with the infallible promises of Jesus, I tried to reason, rectify, and rely only on my own understanding. Trust me when I say this NEVER works. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track. (MSG)
For years, my life and my ministry seemed to be laid out nice and neat in front of me. I was comfortable and going with the flow so to speak when suddenly, everything I knew to be normal was turned upside down. The ministry I had been so comfortable in was now a source of pain; joy was replaced with dread; clarity of my mission was now clouded and I found myself feeling like I didn't belong in an area I had served in for the past five years. Despite all of this, I tried my very best to continue to function in the capacity I was so use to. But in spite of my best efforts, I just couldn't do it. This left me feeling like the Israelites, who left what was familiar to go to the foreign land where God was sending them, only to continuously fail to yield to God's leading. Thus, leaving them wandering in the desert for 40 years. I wasn't in a foreign land, yet I felt like a foreigner; I wasn't among strangers, yet I felt like an alien; I wasn't letting God lead me, so I was left feeling lost and confused. What now? Where am I suppose to be?
So many questions swirled in my head and with all that uncertainty, accusations from the great accuser himself, Satan, flooded my mind. "You are a failure!" "You are not worthy!" "You can't serve in ministry! You'll just screw it up!" "Look at you, you're pathetic and weak!" "Just quit already! Loser!" I spent many nights, staring at the ceiling, hearing these insults and starting to believe them. I questioned my Christianity and my effectiveness. I wondered what purpose I could possibly serve if I wasn't doing what I had been doing all these years. I pondered my abilities to serve anywhere and found myself becoming more and more afraid to even examine other opportunities; and when I did serve, I questioned my ability and therefore did so quite guarded.
I finally sat with a wonderful woman, who is a great spiritual mentor, and explained my dilemma. After listening to my concerns and fears, she remarked that there was one common phrase I had continued to use throughout my conversation, "I'm tired". I hadn't even realized how many times I had said those words until she brought them to my attention. She assured me that it was okay to be tired and although she assured me I didn't need permission, she gave me permission not to serve in any particular ministry. I must admit after hearing her say that, I felt a tremendous relief. I had been serving in some capacity at my church since I started there in 1997 and I was afraid not to be serving somewhere now.
After this mentoring session, I spent a lot of time in prayer, being very specific with God about my need for guidance and this time I listened for Him to speak. What I heard was not what I expected. What I thought I would hear is, "You need to serve here..." but what I heard instead was, "How can you effectively serve others, when you are not effectively serving yourself?" Sounds kind of selfish doesn't it but after I thought about it, it made perfect sense. I was such a mess emotionally and spiritually, that I hadn't taken time to really be in the Word. There was so much noise in my head that I couldn't have heard the voice of His leading, even if I wanted to. I should have trusted the words of James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault."
I have taken "time off" to work on myself and my spirituality. I understand that I cannot be effective in any area, unless I am effective in my own walk with God. In order for me to minister to others, I must minister to myself. Jesus explains true service like this: "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. for apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile and burned. But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great joy to my Father." (NLT) If I am to bear fruit through ministry, I must draw on the nourishment that is the Word of God.
For now, I will be content in being still. I am filling up my spiritual cup and will lean on the guidance of the One who knows me. While I won't be serving in a specific ministry, I will however continue to serve whenever the need presents itself and The Spirit will make that clear. I trust God will lead me to a specific area of ministry when He feels my time has come and until then, I will trust in these words, "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10.
Until next time, I'll be waiting,
Cat
